


Broken

by RemyWrites



Series: Pride 2019 [5]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Bigender, Pride, gender discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 07:07:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19268266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RemyWrites/pseuds/RemyWrites
Summary: So I know for characters I listed Dee, but there's really only one line where you can tell it's him and that's a simple statement that scars cover half his face. So if you're not really a fan of Deceit, you can still read this as though it were any of the other characters.anyways, this is a gender discovery fic





	Broken

I sighed as I look in the mirror. My body didn’t fit. And yet it did. I hated my chest, but it also felt right when I saw it. My hips, my shoulders, my face, all of me. Perfectly right but oh so very wrong. Part of me wondered if this was dysphoria, but only trans people could get gender dysphoria, I thought? I didn’t know what to do anymore, this...  _ feeling _ was driving me insane. This sense that i was in the wrong body, but also that it was just right. This sense that everything about me was completely right and completely wrong. I couldn’t take it anymore. I yanked a blanket from my bed, throwing it over the reflective glass, hiding the reflection that was me but wasnt me from view. 

I curled up in my bed, pulling my sheets up over my chin so I could pretend I just didn’t exist. I could pretend I was right, without being vwrong. I already felt alienated enough from my classmates because of the scars on half my face. It didn’t help that I felt like I couldn’t use the bathroom and felt all eyes on me in the locker room, simply because my body wasn’t right. “Girl” some people said, but that was wrong. Or was it? I was always happy when someone thought I was a boy, but I also squirmed at the thought of being just a boy. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t me. 

_ I’m not a girl _ , I told myself.  _ I'm not a boy. _ Both felt like a lie. I tried to curl up tighter into a ball, but then I could feel my body pressing against itself and I could tell what was and wasn’t there. I felt wrong. 

I instinctively stretched my body out, so that I was laying flat. I held my phone above my face, opening tumblr. I went to the only place I thought I could say something, ask for help. When I typed in the URL, part of me wanted to run screaming. That part was scared. Scared that I was the only one like this, scared that I was broken. 

I typed my fears into the box, trying to keep I marked the ask as anonymous and hit send. As soon as I did, I regretted it. What if they thought I was an idiot? What if I became the laughingstock of tumblr? Of the whole internet? I wished there was a way to delete an ask after I already sent it. At least I sent it on anon? Right? 

I tried to sleep. I really did. But I just couldn’t. I laid awake staring at the ceiling until my alarm went off. The first thing I normally did was get up, get dressed in anything that would hide my body, and drink a protein shake. But today? All I could do was grab my phone and scroll though tumblr. I scrolled though the memes and pictures from various musicals. Then I saw something that made me freeze. 

‘ _ I'm not a girl. I’m not a boy. But I am. I don’t know anymore. I just want to know. I don’t want to be broken.’  _ It was my ask. ‘ _ Hey anon, first I want you to know that you’re not broken. There’s lots of words that mean your gender is both boy and girl. The most commonly known one is bigender, but if that’s not right, you could be ambigender, epicene, or several others. Regardless, you don’t have to be binary gendered to be real or valid or whole. Your gender is what you say it is, and no one can tell you that you’re broken because of it. <3<3<3’ _ I nearly started crying when I read it. Both boy and girl. Not one or the other, but both. That... that made perfect sense. Sort of. It fit me. And it meant I wasn’t broken. I could be bigender. I could be both. I didn’t have to be boy or girl.


End file.
